Updated: Oct 28, 2020
The only way to get beneath the wound is first realize there is a wound. And then be courageous enough to look into it. This isn’t about being a victim to circumstance. I do not blame my parents. They did the best they could with all they have, and are still doing so. This is about my response to them, and life, while formulating my beliefs about the world.
I made a professional choice to be in a parallel industry as my father.. for 2 reasons. One, cause I was also very good at it. & Two, (unconsciously) to find a way to bond with him, as our relationship while I was growing up, was strained. I jumped in even further and picked a sport (bodybuilding) that could connect us deeper.. but it ultimately relied on me hating myself more and more. None of this I understood until a couple months ago, but it’s been the pattern that has been happening since 2000. 20 years! I’ve been cultivating a silent bond with my dad that was an equation that looked like this.. how much I hate myself = how much I could get my dad to pay attention to/love me. And when I started to rub up against this bond/wound.. I looked in, instead of away, and am now in the process of reinventing the bond between us. This. Is. Not. Easy. It forces me to be super present and super compassionate to myself and my dad. It’s inevitable, if I change the way I come to the pattern, then both sides of the pattern must change. This is the conscious, spiritual vitality I am the most interested in. 💜