It’s the holidays, a lot of time is spent with family.. and family is the direct route to the past..to all of your triggers. Ever find yourself asking “why does said family member push my buttons so much??” (cough, cough... cause they created them!!!) So here’s where this post takes a perspective shift. They may have created the buttons but they are yours. If you knew that everything your family did was with the best intent and to the best of their ability.. then these burdens you bear are yours.. here’s a window into my experience. I have visited with family recently, I found myself in the same conversation, the same reeling around the same topic that we are in a disagreement with and I’m the one holding my ground and my family is dancing around me trying to change my opinion. note: that doesn’t work. The next morning I woke to intense body pain and this insatiable feeling of hunger. Here’s the kicker, I witnessed all of this and did absolutely nothing about it. I couldn’t eat enough, I couldn’t fill the void. This was the most drastic opposition from the norm, as my eating disorder came from “controlling my food” (weight/portion) So this new feeling of uncontrollable was, shall I say, fascinating... “sure, I’ll have another piece of whatever”.. let’s talk about what’s for lunch while we are still eating breakfast.. I have never done this before. And I was watching me do it all as if it was the most compelling reality show on tv. So my opinion of the quote on the picture is not so much going to be with family and being kind and sweet amongst the fury burning within us as enlightenment.. it’s becoming enlightened to the fury burning inside us when a button has been pushed. It’s uncovering these stored emotions and if nothing else witnessing them.. I don’t have a step by step plan to follow when these things arise, cause when they arise it’s typically not soft and gentle.. they left hook you like Mike Tyson was throwing the punch.. so my only plan was to not add to the madness rustling within.. but to be as kind and loving to myself as possible and in those moments, I decided to ride the wave of uncontrollable eating. I do not blame my family. I appreciate them. I will continue to have the same “triggering” conversations and most likely take the same stance.. but just by being a witness to my discomfort and acceptance of it, something is bound to shift. How or what? Who knows? This was less about fixing anything..as my (and your) broken-ness isn’t to be fixed.. it’s to be valued. It’s about progress not perfection. It’s about suffering a little less and knowing I’m not alone.
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