My eating disorder and body dysmorphia started by feeling more like strength, courage and will power. It was facilitating my journey to become a "healthier" version of myself. That illusion of control alone is a sickness. I was praised, even put on a pedestal by some for my “accomplishments”. I associated a sense of purpose in shrinking because of the attention my new body was getting. Comments like "you look great!"/ "how do you do it?" fed right into that sense of purpose. The "cost of smallness" was somehow worth it (shitty, tasteless food, morning & night workouts, losing friends, zero social life) Until I learned, it really isn't.
It began by training for a bodybuilding show as a marker of accomplishment of my profession. My reasoning: "if I can do it, I can teach people to do it"... The training was all about the means to an end. The stage, competition, being judged.. although, NO ONE prepared me for the days and weeks after the competition when your body strives to get back to "normal", not sick and nearly dead (what you see when people are on the stage) and about 1 wk after the show, I was going out and I put on my favorite size 3, white linen pants and I couldn't get them past my mid thigh. I HAD NO BUSINESS being in a size 3 in the first place. I fell to the floor and bawled my head off... That was the very moment when the ideal of the "euphoria" I once knew turned into the full on grip of a life depleting disorder. I went on to chase the look and the praise for another 4 yrs. And for the last 16 yrs I have been unraveling the lies I told myself & harmful actions against myself for all that time. The progress of healing is not linear, fast nor easy. The part I am in in this moment is quite rocky but I've had glimpses of immense love and freedom, so I know it's worth it. I see quotes like in the picture I used with this post to continue to remind me that there is a bigger reason at play for me to heal. If not for me (right now) then for the women (and men) before me whom I love, respect, & honor so deeply
We will do a podcast soon, where I go into my disorder more, and the little things that have made a big difference for me along the way.