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“You look good. Did you lose weight?”


A woman I love asked me this recently.

“No, I haven’t lost weight. I’ve gained weight.” I answered matter-of-factly


I do not fault her for the question. I actually send tenderness to her, to us all. This is a script we’ve inherited in our “womanhood”: that if we look good, it is because we’ve made ourselves SMALLER. This is a big one to grapple with.

(Note: smaller really doesn’t mean that one is healthier, happier, more successful, or annnyyyytthhiinnggg! Except just smaller.)


Allow me to offer alternative questions to replace “looking good equaling smaller, skinnier, tone-er, buff-er, lean-er etc..” What if our curiosity sounded like this instead?

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“You look good. Did you have a great conversation with a friend?”

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“You look good. Have you been making time to rest and refresh your spirit?”

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“You look good. Have you been using your voice in ways that make you feel powerful and purposeful?”

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“You look good. Have you been pursuing nourishing touch? Maybe even orgasms?”

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“You look good. Are your dreams coming true?”

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“You look good. What has brought you joy recently? What’s been pleasurable?”

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There are so many ways to look good and to feel good. And right now, my (or your) weight is the least interesting one to me.

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What’s one thing that’s helping you feel good right now?

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(*Please know: I understand that we are all in a different place with our bodies, our fitness, and our relationships to weight and to food. I write what I write honoring where I am in my journey. I honor where you are in yours, too. Whatever your body looks like, you don’t need permission to be happy in it.)

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