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Not good enough?

Ever since I was this young I can remember hearing and seeing that the only way I will get anything (a job, husband, a “great” life) is by being pretty. I learned it thru very direct messaging and also very subtle cues from people close to me and of course from the influence of mainstream media.

I even remember dating a guy ONLY cause we looked good together.. as if fighting over mirror time was going to keep the relationship strong. 🤦🏻‍♀️ when we broke up it felt like such a failure. (Not good enough/pretty enough)

It didn’t really manifest again until I chose bodybuilding where I put myself on the highest of personal platforms of “beauty” for me to fall hard and fast from.

Over the last few years I’ve been peeling back the onion of the depth of this story and pain… and the many different iterations of its hold. It has been coming up a lot lately as I re enter into the possibility of dating again. And I notice my initial thoughts are “I don’t feel pretty” which in my story is the immediate equivalent to “undateable.” **Please remember, this is an observation in order to uncover my blocks that I’m choosing to share, and not me fishing for compliments.

I’m certain there are others who have been influenced in a similar way.

The way I have chosen to handle it’s by allowing those thoughts to surface and be seen. I don’t/haven’t acted upon them; which had usually been some sort of self destructive behavior. I remember that the messaging was ingrained in THAT little girl in the picture.. so then I think, “what would I do if that little girl walked up to me right now and told me what she had learned..”

I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t do.. i wouldn’t call her an idiot (or something much worse) or hurt her in any other way… I’d give her a big ol hug and a listening ear. She can “think” what she wants but her behavior is one that is just seeking to be loved, and to be seen.

So anytime those stories come up for you, remember it’s just your inner kiddo searching for those very things and maybe use it as a premier opportunity for you to see and heal that place within yourself.


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