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| ...At Any Cost |

Attaining the body I had in this picture cost me a healthy relationships with myself and all the people & things I cared about.

For 15 years I’ve been recovering from that loss. Everyday it’s a conscious decision that anything I consume, I do it from a place of love. The food I eat nurtures me, the shows I watch or people I follow are sending a positive message, and if I move my body in a healthy way, it’s not coming from a place of self loathing.

That girl in the picture had a body deemed beautiful by society but no energy, no nutrients, no friends, no joy, no moderation, no self esteem, no concept of reality, and zero compassion (for herself or others) She was neurotic. For 5 straight years. The road to recovery from an addiction of hating oneself is a long, dark, slippery one. To look like that gets you attention that one wouldn’t get otherwise... but attaching attention to constantly feeling like shit eventually doesn’t make sense. Don’t get it twisted, there are many mornings I wake up with a huge desire to want to look like that again. But that is a bold, bright, blinking arrow right back to me, trying to escape or control a situation that I may be in. Look, I don’t have all (or very many) answers but I know killing myself to get “that body” isn’t one of them.

When I wake up I recall the things that are important, and my body barely makes the top 10.. and when it does, it’s because I’m virtually pain free and super mobile & active.

Have you ever asked yourself what your motivation for doing things are? Do you go to the gym immediately after the words “I feel fat” cross your mind or lips.. what if you changed the conversation. Perhaps to motivate instead of condemn. (Ie: I always feel good after the gym.) Yes. The results will both get you to the gym but the reason why you go will come from a different place and that will change the trajectory of your mental state in the future. I use the gym as an example but if you tend to be self deprecating in any way, it’s not healthy (or funny) and can always be reframed.

Who’s with me? Can we move w/ the intent to feel good inside? Can we eat w/ no guilt or shame? Can we live w/ joy as our only motivation? ❤️

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