This post has been bubbling to the surface for a while.. it’s time.
It’s time for the mess.. the “ugly”.. the unspoken. I have been labeled “strong” my entire life. (it’s not untrue.) But do you realize where strong comes from? You don’t just come out of the womb strong.. it is built. Every time you get knocked down; it’s the getting back up. I’ll paint the picture.. In my past I have experienced abandonment, abuse (sexual, emotional and physical), divorce, miscarriage, jail, homelessness, bankruptcy, countless heartbreaks, self loathing .. What’s the point you may ask... what one gets when they are labeled strong is more opportunities to build strength.. when I hurt, I hurt alone. And when I made this realization, I decided to shift and start reaching out for support and the majority response was “oh, you’ll be ok.. you always are” and that’s not untrue either but frustrating as shit when you just want to not be ok. So I’ve decided to drop the “everything is ok” veil and admit sometimes it’s just not. That just because I’m strong doesn’t mean I’m not human with emotions (LOTS of them) .. that I have the tools but often fall short of the mark .. that I have an enormous heart but feel the need to protect it... Please understand this is NOT for sympathy. This is for understanding.. for contrast. All the posts of “my successes” with the i’s dotted, t’s crossed and immense pain hidden underneath. To exposed pain and vulnerability hidden behind a soft and beautiful picture (which actually makes me the MOST uncomfortable.) I’ll prob address that in a different post but until then..